get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
