Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
