I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
