i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
