just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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