You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
