So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
