Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
