I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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