I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize