His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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