I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
