I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
