Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Say something about gay babies.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Sorry my hands just texted you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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