you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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