Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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