This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
