I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
