I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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