It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
