made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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