Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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