My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
