i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
