Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
