Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
