There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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