I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
