We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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