wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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