see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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