I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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