Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
