so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I would ride that face into the sunset
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
