I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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