Girls should come with a carfax report
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
