college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
