i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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