I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
