She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
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Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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