Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
