He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
