I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
