she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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