I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
