She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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