The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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