I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
