he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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