Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
