On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
