I'd wear matching sweaters with you
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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