I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
