Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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